The Upside

You must be A Princess already, but just hadn’t realised.

This means you get to stay in that country full of all that nice food and wine.

Everything you heard about the French kiss is really true.

Frogs think that marrying foreigners is exotic, so you suddenly become very sexy without having done anything to deserve it.

They can cook – but beware, once you are ensnared in the net (Smug Married) this only happens at weekends. A bit like sex really. Blast, I promised myself not to mention the « s » word.

They are happy to accept their roots (is this bad English ?). He happily sheered 3 sheep last summer, having only done it once 30 years ago. Seems like they have something in common with elephants. Will you wash your brain out with soap, I didn’t mean what you thought I did.

Most French men have taken cuddling lesson, and can do this very well. Not in public, I would add, where they would not be seen dead at it.

French men like English and American junk TV series. Provided it is sub-titled. This way they can zone out.

French men can do waltzes and stuff like that. They seem to get it by osmosis – I just need to drink a lot but not via my feet.

They love Damsels in Distress. Anything that confounds me, I just have to look pathetic and say limpidly, « Oh, this is so terribly complicated, I don’t know how to do it» (activities can range from filling in a tax return to changing your ink cartridge) and Bob’s ton oncle, he is on it. Wonderful.

The Downside

Obsession with computers. Impossible to multi-task. Talking to you and communicating with his Wired Friend doesn’t happen. Do not presume any yeses or no’s are any attempt at replying to questions, he is just guessing.

Talks to inanimate objects as if they are personally offending him. If I was a computer firewall I wouldn’t tolerate such language.

If he can order something on internet, and avoid talking to a human being, he will do so. Even if it takes 60,000 times as long.

Total disrespect for speed limit signs. If it says 50, that is just a recommendation, what it really means is add on 20, then the number you first thought of.

Addiction to reading number plates. Why else would he drive that close ?

Zero tolerance for anyone respecting the speed limit. Other person considered to be a loser or mentally deficient.

Doesn’t know how to make good English gravy. Always comes out like broth – yack.

Denies breaking things. It fell from my hand and then exploded……

Will not ask for directions. I am not lost, I just am temporarily uncertain as to where we are.

Has no idea of time, five minutes can be endless or never.

Does not understand that when I say « dinner is ready darling », that this suggests movement towards a table could be a good thing.

Compulsive liars – I will be there in a minute, being the most transparent one. Oh, but I see I am repeating myself, I am repeating myself, I am repeating myself. Attention malfunction, attention malfunction.

Feelings – like Swiss, these are something that are Not Talked About. Not in touch with his feminine side – unless someone dies in a film, then he develops hay fever.

Puppy like enthusiasm to ignore risk of death notices e.g. on our first day ski-ing, after several years break, spotted the sign, « Black Run, ice, experienced skiers only » And off he goes. Wheeeeeee, splat.

Ignores weather forecasts, -8, no, I don’t think so, I won’t need a scarf, hat or gloves. Oh, can I borrow yours, you don’t need them do you, you are British.

But all experienced writers know that I should end on an up note. Up note.