Ever since I wrote the posting The Swiss Male – Who is he? I am often contacted by women asking for advice about Swiss men… I seem to have become the go-to agony aunt for lovelorn women around the world who have fallen for Swiss men and are very confused. WELL THERE’S A SURPRISE.
I know that it is all too easy to fall into the stereotypical trap here and confuse character and culture but hey you are getting this from the horse’s mouth. I am reporting from the coal face of 25 years of life with a Swiss man which should give me some credibility and a smidgen of insight into what makes a Swiss man tick.
Of course I can only talk about the Eastern Swiss Man, those hailing from the German speaking parts with, usually, a Protestant background. But here is my take on Swiss Men and please feel free to agree or disagree in the comments below:
- Swiss men are parsimonious with their praise. They do not compliment or praise unless by accident. They won’t notice when you have been to the hairdresser’s or whether you are wearing a stunning LBD. The flip side to this is that they don’t criticise or complain either. I could go out to dinner in a bin liner for all Mr. Jules cared. Only once has he said anything faintly critical as to my attire and it was a neutral but clever,
”Er, you’re not going to like the way that looks from behind”
And because he says this and not “Jeeeesssssuuusssss! Are you kidding me?” I am rather fond of him.
- Swiss men are not cuddly. Don’t expect a cuddle, ever. You might get a pat on the shoulder or a derrière squeeze at the moment when you least want it but that’s it. There’s no smooching in front of the telly or public shows of affection. He’ll willingly take your suitcase from you when you arrive off the plane but that is the nearest he’ll get to intimacy in a public space. (Note: If they start calling you odd names like chatzli, minou, etc. which the Swiss Germans deem as a sign of affection, put a stop to it at once. It is a huge turn off.)
- Swiss men only have the left side of their brains working. Hence they are brilliant bankers, brokers, negotiators. Anything that involves logic is right up their strasse and if they have developed a brilliantly creative design concept alongside a brilliant piece of engineering or software for example, you’ll usually find there’s an Italian involved.
- Swiss men do not like emotion. They are happy to analyse using logic until the cows literally come home but as their right side brain has no neural pathways having shrivelled up through non-use, feelings and emotions are something they cannot fathom. So to Sofia in Argentina the reason he hasn’t written a letter of explanation is that he has no idea he has hurt your feelings. A Swiss man is very unlikely to give you closure although logically he knows he ought to – good manners and all that – he is incapable of writing “stuff” in an expressive heartfelt way. Eyore’s dumbfounded, woebegone face in Winnie the Pooh springs to mind here.
-Swiss men are perfectionists. They can be a bit pernickety about their homes, cars, the food on their plates. This is a country of high standards and they are used to upholding them. To be fair they all work extremely hard and return those high standards in their work.
NOW THE GOOD STUFF
- Swiss men are funny. You will laugh at them (a lot) but also find that like the Brits they have a very dry, sense of humour and can also be extremely silly and childish. They love British and American Sitcoms such as Curb Your Enthusiasm, Fawlty Towers etc. Mostly because they are so law-abiding that they wouldn’t ever dare do anything as naughty and anti-establishment so watching other people doing it, even if only pretending, is absolutely thrilling.
-Swiss men need to marry foreign women. They need to be shaken up out of their robotic thinking patterns, forced to let their hair down, spend time away from a landscape of mountains and lakes and eat something other than cheese and sausage. (When Mr. Jules and I lived in America he would get lost every night on the way home from work. Without a mountain or lake as guidance he was completely flummoxed by the grid-system). I think all we foreign wives should receive a special allowance from the government.
-Swiss men will never let you down. Your bills will be paid, your car will be serviced, your health insurance will be up-to-date and he’ll even put his loose change into your car so that you never run out for the parking meters. They are never late, always do what they say they will and are extremely fair-play. (Apart from when partaking in family board games).
-Swiss men are the best travel companions. They never get stressed or nervous or angry when flights are delayed or hotel bookings lost or any kind of disaster strikes. In fact they are good to have around in any kind of emergency as they are so level headed – no emotions just the facts – which many put down to the compulsive military training they all undergo and of course the lack of a right sided brain helps here.
Marry one if you want to. Preferably a Catholic from the sunnier, southern parts (the food’s better and they tend not to wear white sports socks with leather shoes), but wherever they hail from they are intensely loyal and easy to train if you go about it in a logical way and keep all the touchy feely stuff under wraps.