Do you ahhumm?

Did I mention I had my chakras cleaned? No? Must have slipped my mind. Yesterday was a pretty ordinary day, went for run, fed dog, did a bit of weeding and then had my chakras cleaned out.  I find it hard to say, or write, the word chakra without a giggle coming to my lips and spilling out onto the page but there you go I obviously still have a lot of Yoga classes to attend.  But, à propos yoga, let it be known that I am nonetheless more evolved than the poor soul who occupies the mat next to mine who has yet to join in the primordial ahhumm chant at the beginning and end of lesson.  Not a squeak, just an awkward cringe making  silence.  Me, on the other hand, I compete with the sassy Aussie on the other side of the room whom we all know is a screamer.

I’ve had a strange year health-wise, nothing I can put my finger on just a bit more listless than usual and not as bouncy so on recommendation of a friend I went to see an energy channeller.  This particular channeller is in fact a nutritional therapist by trade but will clean out your chakras and realign your energy if you ask nicely and don’t take the piss.  Which is what I seem to be doing here which is most disrespectful because I had a lovely time.

The only thing I have in common with the late Princess Diana, well perhaps also that dreadful eighties blob boy-band haircut and the blue eyeshadow, was her love for dabbling with the “alternatives”.  I’ve had my tarot cards read on many an occasion not because I necessarily believe them but just because I’m amused by the “process” and love talking about myself so when western medicine failed to come up for anything to cure my prolonged attack of the vapours, so to speak, I naturally went looking further. 

First let me say there was nothing woo woo or weird about Dorothea The Energy Channeller.  She lives in a perfectly normal yellow house and met me wearing clothes, not a kaftan or witch’s hat in sight just bare feet and unvarnished pristine toes the only give away that perhaps she was more free spirited than your average Swiss housewife meeting a stranger at the door. 

Dorothea and I started with a little chat – basically she listened and I moaned about my plague of mouth ulcers and other petty ailments and then before she even had to ask  I was on the table and she set to work.  It is a little like going to the Osteopath (another addiction of mine) but with less touch involved and none of that oh-my-God-here-we-go neck cricking.   I had the same reaction when she touched my head ever so lightly and my toes twitched, which always freaks me out.

She put on some of that hypnotic Peruvian wood instrument music and I just floated away until she startled me by telling me that I have had a lot of dental work this year.  I admitted to having all but two of my mercury fillings removed.  (Mercury is toxic to the body – dentists have to possess a special box for disposal of old mercury fillings -  and will seep into the blood stream and although I did the right thing removing them, Dorothea informed me that I probably retoxed myself by not going to a special dentist who would have stopped any residue from going down my throat and entering my body once again.  My lapse in this would be referred to as half-arsed in my family).

 She even knew on which side of my mouth I had the most dental work done.  She then also spotted my whisper…herniated disk…end of whisper (God I sound decrepid writing this, the things I reveal for you dear readers).  I spent a lovely hour quietly humming as she gently waved her hands over me and touched me lightly. If you must know it was the fifth chakra that was causing all the problems but it is now as clean as a whistle and my aura is now restored and in full working order.

It was probably unwise of me to reveal what happened next over dinner to the world’s two biggest cynics (Ollie and Mr J.) who unable to resist the urge, made not just a meal but a whole banquet out of it,  forcing me to leave the table and spend a small fortune on Amazon.com  just to get over it.

I will end  by saying it worked for me but I’m not your average Jules, I suppose.