Living with Mr. Jules

Posted by Jules on August 27th, 2008

mushroomsIt is early morning and I’m rummaging in the fridge trying to find something to eat that doesn’t contain a carbohydrate (I’m attempting to purge my usual 2 kilo summer excess by following the Arthur de Vany method see www.arthurdevany.com having read Bryan Appleyard’s article in the Sunday Times).  Mr. Jules pulls up from his breakfast meeting and hurriedly enters the kitchen, a big smile on his face.  It is mushroom season and Fausto, his faithful Chef de Chantier (foreman), has just informed him that today there are more mushrooms in the Jura than in a whore’s knickers.

Mr. Jules grabs his emasculating blue chintz mushroom basket from the garage and I stifle a smirk.  Off we go to our secret place up behind where a certain now dead film and theatre star used to live, the exact location passed onto us by the keen-to-keep-his-job Fausto whose father has, unfortunately, yet to forgive him.  It hasn’t made any difference to their mushroom cult I hasten to add, as these little Italians (that is not a pejorative remark it is a physical reality) arrive way before us, just after dawn. 

We are hunting for bolets, the thick stemmed, smooth underbellied, golden brown topped mushrooms that love the moist steep sun dappled sides of the Jura, especially the mossy surrounds of logs and trees. Fausto’s tip off leads to about a kilo after two hours of practicing my Steinbock technique.  The basket is half full, I’m hot and sweaty and my stomach, which is not used to starting the day on fruit and yoghurt, has a large hole in it.  I’ve had enough, but Mr. Jules, obviously addicted to the rush of the mushroom find, wants to continue and he looks so sweet with his blue chintz mushroom basket that I acquiesce until Sophie-G. calls to say that her friends have arrived for the BBQ I had forgotten about. 

Mr. Jules prepares the mushrooms and flips burgers whilst I make salads in the kitchen with six inept giggly girls whilst the boys linger around the pool engrossed in making sure just the right amount of Calvin Klein is visible over the top of their swimming shorts.  Our house guests, my sister and her partner, also help out.  No sooner is lunch over than Mr. Jules announces to the adults that he needs their help in the garden.  It is 2pm, the sun is blazing down and Mr. Jules is up a ladder trying to place a net over our 100 year old fig tree by using a pole and shouting instructions at us.  The starlings, he assures us, will not get to his figs this year.

One hot and sweaty hour later Sally-Anne, Mike and I collapse gratefully on the sunbeds speachless with exhaustion.  Mr. Jules does 50 laps of the pool before informing us that he is off to another meeting.  We wave him off enthusiastically. 

Some time late afternon Mike brings us a cup of tea.  We lie, still too exhausted to speak, looking up at the Jura. 

“Ooh look,” says Sally-Anne suddenly.  We watch a  paraglider swirling around above us.

“It’s Mr. Jules,” I say  “Come to check out his netting.”

 

Copyright Julesritter August 2008

Living in Switzerland, Most Popular Posts, The Swiss Man 17 Comments

Martin said,

August 27, 2008 @ 3:49 pm

It’s me – I’m still here! Where is everybody?

Mushrooms? This is where my brain goes into overdrive and I think of things like …

“You can eat any mushroom you like – but some you can only eat once.

Toadstools? Anyone old enough (like me) to remember the great Lonnie Donegan and that verse from “My Old Man’s a Dustman”? “My dustbin’s full of toadstools. How do you know? Well, there’s not much-room inside”

As regards paragliding – Mr J needs to be careful – the buzzards down this end of the village nest in the tree in the middle of the “Grand Champ” – now acquired and fenced by The Schumachers – and they’re pretty agressive towards other flying things (the buzzards that is and not The Schumachers)

…and now I’m told that I have to start to prepare for the big dog show in Lausanne in October. Wuff, Wuff.

Martin said,

August 27, 2008 @ 4:15 pm

… and my internal spillchicker missed “agressive” – should, of course, have been two “g”s as in “gg” but that leads us to horses and a whole new blog.

Diana said,

August 27, 2008 @ 5:00 pm

Ahhh things are looking up: Wuff Wuff, that would be Nadia, and gg that would be me!! Wuff, Wuff big dog show in Lausanne in October is so Nadia it’s not even funny! Nadia??

Jules said,

August 27, 2008 @ 5:00 pm

Hey Martin, your comment brings to mind the “funny” ones, best to keep away from those they obviously go straight to your head!

Martin said,

August 27, 2008 @ 5:23 pm

One may suppose that there’s a reason that I am (allegedly) a chemist. Psilocybin mushrooms are well known for their hallucinogenic effects – just look at the facial expressions of the majority of the sheep living on the North York Moors for proof positive!

I have still to find any around here though :-)

Nadia said,

August 28, 2008 @ 8:03 am

Here I am, Di!

Martin? You’re going to Animalia? I’ll be spending the weekend on the Papillon/Phalene stand, come say hello – I’m the blonde with the long braid, unless I happen to be the blonde with the long sexily mussed hair that day (happens if I wake up late, and sounds better than “the blonde with the bird’s nest dreadlocks”). Are you presenting a dog or just hanging about?

Oh and if you find any hallucinogenic mushrooms, please bring some along – I’ve always thought a dog show is the perfect place to get high, considering the natural giggle factor inherent to the activity (as long as you don’t take it seriously, of course!).

Now on to ggs… or maybe chickens? Actually, sheep aren’t bad either… or paragliders.

Enjoy the bolets, Jules, you’ve earned them!

Graham said,

August 28, 2008 @ 8:13 am

Martin sure knows a lot about mushrooms. He must be a fun guy.

Sorry. G.

Jules said,

August 28, 2008 @ 9:56 am

G, If you are going to be sarcastic don’t for heavens sake apologise it takes the fun out of it.
Nadia, where you bin? You’ve been on jonnyb’s blog I know…I can read.
Martin have you taken a close look at the facial expressions of the locals in this village?

Martin said,

August 28, 2008 @ 12:16 pm

Nadia – yes, we’re going to be at “Animalia” but as presenters. We’ll be showing our English Springer Spaniel – “Jura de Syringa” better known as Maggie (age 9.5 months by then). Should be there both days – it’ll be our first show so we’re really just dipping our feet (or should that be paws) into the water.

Jules – as regards locals in our village – the majority down our end of the village aren’t Swiss anyway – the “Chemin Privé” is a real mix of Swedish, English, American, Portuguese, French and Swiss in only 7 houses !!! After all, technically it’s a commune within a commune.

Graham – brilliant! Do you suppose that the Fun Guy would be interested in the Fairy Ring that we have in our lawn at the moment? (“ronds de sorciers” in French which doesn’t quite translate the same way – but to “sorcerers’ rings”. Watch out – there’s a Hobbit about.

Martin said,

August 28, 2008 @ 12:17 pm

Incidentally Jules – why are the comment posting times in UTC (GMT) and not “local” ?

Graham said,

August 28, 2008 @ 2:16 pm

In the 1920’s, Gerald Brenan wrote that old customs and superstitions were still observed in the remote villages of Andalucia. Dew was regarded as having fallen from the stars and young girls rolled naked in it at midnight on Midsummer Day in the belief that they would find a husband and fertility. I think that is a lovely idea don’t you?

I’m not sure about Martin’s “Fairy Ring”, sounds like a wine bar in Earls Court.

Martin said,

August 28, 2008 @ 5:29 pm

Now there’s a thought. Walking around Shepherds Bush or Earls Court and asking for directions to “The Fairy Ring” may just provide some undesired responses (or not). Better get your “budgie smugglers” out just in case!

Never mind, I’m sure that the local hospital food would be totally inedible.

Nadia said,

August 28, 2008 @ 9:50 pm

Graham, wasn’t there a lot of rolling around naked on Midsummer Day in every country? Often leading to husbands and fertility, not necessarily in that order? And isn’t this quaint custom still going on to this day? Just wondering.

Martin, if you need a hand or feel a bit lost at Animalia, I don’t think I’ll be presenting this time, so just give a shout. Oh, and I’ve got a very useful pre-show checklist I can send you if you like.

Jules, I’ve been having babies (oh okay, puppies!) AND going back to work after time off AND supervising works on my soon-to-be-new-house AND preparing for three dog shows in the next ten days AND creating my very own blog http://phalenes.blogspot.com which you’re all welcome to comment on (it’s mostly pix of dogs and puppies, so Awwwww is fine and possibly erudite at this stage).

Needless to say I’m getting a bit frayed ’round the edges. It’s all fun, but it’s Mr. Jules’ pace here on a daily basis… gasp gasp.

Martin said,

August 29, 2008 @ 3:47 am

Nadia – a pre-show check-list would be really useful. Not sure how you’re going to get it to me in this country of privacy (and not wishing to divulge my office email address on-line) … but then I thought – email it to Jules who could email it to me – or I could just ask Jules for your email address …. Jules?

Jules said,

August 29, 2008 @ 12:11 pm

I will send it to you, you very private person, getting very Swiss Martin down there in your unSwiss commune. Nadia has been one of my closest on-line allies for a while, treat her well. Budgie smugglers?! Love that term. My ex-brother in law used to wear them on the beach. Swiss-German in tight black lycra budgie smugglers, brings tears to my eyes just thinking about them and gets my gaydar going.

Jules said,

August 29, 2008 @ 12:34 pm

Me again. And I know it is probably really uncool to leave comments on your own site, how sad I am, I will definitely end up alone eaten by alsatians…BUT Graham pointed out by email that his comment about Martin wasn’t sarcasm. It was me who had missed the joke, Fun Guy/Fungi. He’s very good.

Nadia said,

August 29, 2008 @ 8:23 pm

I missed the Fun Guy too!! Thanks for clarifying, even if it means the cyberspace equivalent of talking to yourself. Same for the budgie smugglers, hadn’t the foggiest about them either!

I sent Martin the checklist, thanks for being messenger and being so lovely about it!

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