Love is in the Air

Adam said,

Happy New Year, Jules. Well, let’s face it…all relationships are like that, and probably always will be. But what is anger if it is not the negativity we feel when we are experiencing another, deeper emotion – such as the emotional pain which results from the feeling of being taken advantage of, of being taken for granted, of our willingness to make ourselves vulnerable being betrayed, of not being heard, of our needs not being met in some way?

I would suggest that behind a man’s silence is a desperate need to communicate these unpleasant feelings. We expend a lifetime learning to do so yet many of us do not get past the first lesson: daring to say what we really feel. Communication is the beginning and end of all human relationships. I recently came across His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. I highly recommend that anyone interested in understanding why pyscological warfare takes place between two heterosexual people in a relationship read this book. I say heterosexual for good reason and without meaning to cause offence: Harley believes, in true 1950′s Good Housekeeping fashion, that men and women are very different and have different emotional needs.

Is this glaringly obvious to you? It was not at all obvious to me. For example, Harley states that a man’s primary emotional needs (in descending order) are 1. sexual fulfillment 2. recreational companionship 3. an attractive spouse 4. domestic support 5. Admiration. If a man thinks that because he values these things he will provide the same for his wife and be doing a great job, he is heading down the wrong path and his wife will be miserable. According to Harley’s conclusions, after studying the results of over 40,000 questionnaires and practicing in this field for 40 years, women’s emotional needs are totally different. In descending order, he lists them as 1. Affection 2. Conversation 3. Honesty and openness 4. Financial support and 5. being a good father to the children.

These needs have been hard-wired into our brains over hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary development, and if these needs are not met in some way, we become miserable. I suspect the reason Mr. Jules was not happy to come away from the mountains was because he felt that his need for recreational companionship had not been met to his satisfaction. Taking care of each other’s needs is not only something that we should want to do for each other, it is implicit in the marriage bargain. It is also our responsibility to know what our needs are, know how they can be met and know how to successfully communicate that information to our spouse. Quite a tall order, in my opinion. Sophisticated commuication take courage and practice – but perhaps that is why we are given such a long life – to try to get it right.