To kiss or not to kiss zat is out of ze question

What is appropriate, one, two or three kisses?  The French, Spanish and Italians always give two kisses on the cheek on greeting but here in Switzerland (German and French speaking alike) we give three.  In England it is one and usually only between women as pointed out by Swiss journalist Jean-François Duval, writing in the papers over here.  This, he claims, proves that we are an insular bunch of islanders with a horror of physical contact stemming back to Victorian times. 

Looking up “la bise” in the dictionary it translates as both ”kiss” and “north wind”.  Get it wrong in the social decorum stakes and you are likely to end up with a very chilly reception indeed.  Nobody knows what is right any more, it is like sailing in the dark with the threat of a huge wave of “faux pas” crashing down on us at any moment.

Here in Switzerland it is clear.  Three each, six in total (two people kissing).  But as soon as you step off the TGV in Paris you have to reign yourself in and pucker up like a sour lemon.  Any going in for the third is highly disregarded not least clumsy and could lead to all sorts of unplanned kisses planted on noses, chins or Quelle Horreur! the actual lips.  It also smacks of over-familiarity which may please a young nubile adolescent Mademoiselle but certainly not the Madames out of the Bernadette Chirac mold for whom it would be the equivalent of being caught with your trousers down. 

So, eternally afraid are we of embarrassing ourselves, we British have narrowed down the possibilities by restricting the kiss to one and once only, if really necessary, but preferring overall the handshake leaving no room for misinterpretation.

No doubt there are Brits living in France who have adopted the local custom and can be seen going in for the second “bisou” but I blame it on the sun which must have also touched those  luvvies who make use of the  air-kiss with the accompanying wet sounding “muah” noise. 

Jean-Francois Duval goes on to rather grandly put forward the theory that the Swiss trio of  kisses represents the three founding cantons of Switzerland.  Nice analogy but it’s all too much saliva for me.  The reality is the poor things are in a right muddle with their three kisses, incessantly going back for more whilst trying not to upset anyone.  A more fitting analogy would be their status in the EU.   

There will be those who see it as cold and selfish not to greet someone in a warm manner with a bit of neck nuzzling but for those preferring the handshake route, reserving kissing for close family members and lovers, it can be seen as respectful and sincere.  A warmly extended hand and a firm grasp is a perfectly adequate welcome and should be used at all times at the cost of upsetting a few luvvie-types from the Continent.  Et alors?

Copyright Jules Ritter 2007